- Prepare a conversation in five minutes rather than avoiding it for five weeks
- Open without softening the point into nothing
- Separate behaviour from character and land a clear agreement
Why avoidance costs more
The conversation you avoid does not stay the same size. Small, specific and early is a two-minute chat. Large, vague and late is a formal process.
Most people avoid because they are protecting the relationship. In practice, unspoken frustration damages a relationship far faster than one awkward conversation ever does.
Five minutes of preparation
Answer four questions before you go in:
- What is the observable fact? Not "you're unreliable" but "three of the last five reports came in after the deadline".
- What is the impact? On the work, the team, the learner, you.
- What do I actually want? A change in behaviour, an explanation, a decision.
- What might I be missing? There is usually a reason you do not know yet.
If you cannot write the observable fact down, you are not ready. You are irritated, which is different.
Opening, staying, landing
Open plainly. "I want to talk about the report deadlines. Is now OK?" No long preamble, no compliment sandwich. People hear the filling and forget the bread.
Stay when it gets uncomfortable. Say the fact, say the impact, then stop talking. The silence is doing the work. If you get defensiveness, get curious rather than louder: "What's making this hard?"
Land it with something specific. What will change, by when, and when you will check in. Send two lines afterwards confirming it, so there is no argument later about what was agreed.
You raise late reports. The reply is: 'Everyone is late, why are you picking on me?' What is the strongest response?
5 questions. Pick an answer to see whether it is right and why.
1.Which is an observable fact rather than a judgement?
2.The 'compliment sandwich' often fails because:
3.After stating the fact and the impact, the most useful thing to do is:
4.A conversation should end with:
5.When someone deflects to 'everyone does it', you should:
Name the conversation you are currently avoiding, and write the observable fact in one sentence.
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